What I Have Been Doing Re: Recent Months

Oooh, life: the biggest giver AND taker you will ever experience (duh). Le-sigh.

I really am very excited to get back in the game. There are so many new, wonderful lovelies out there on WordPress that I am soooo excited to get to know. I hope the ladies I only started to get close to months before my hiatus are still around… but if they are in recovery THAN GOOD FUCKING JOB! No sarcasm there, seriously. If a friend wants to get better than I absolutely 100% support them. Stay as far away from me as possible, because I am no good to anybody.

So what exactly have I been doing since last I was actively posting on this blog? Well, to be honest… besides gaining back all the weight I worked so hard to lose? Absolutely NOTHING of importance. My depression and my addictions ran rampant, my relationship fell to fucking pieces; my sense of self-worth more distorted than ever… I fucked things up on a constant basis, let me be clear on that. Everything is my fault.

One of the HUGE changes in my life is breaking up with my boyfriend of three years. He is still at the point where he simply WILL NOT ACCEPT IT. He tries to, on a daily basis, convince me to come back, to move with him to a different state so HE can get his life together. You know what, though? I don’t fucking want to. I love him so much but I do NOT want to be miserable anymore, feeling like I have to cater to someone else more than I do for myself and unfortunately, that is EXACTLY how I react to romantic relationships… I fall onto the back burner, put there by myself and myself only.

It, as much as I hate to admit, all goes back to my first boyfriend. I was sixteen, vulnerable, and recently rejected by a guy a first shared a sexual experience with. I thought I found someone who loved me and felt attracted to me as a person, but really he was just using me. He hit me, beat me down, said horrendous things, cleared out my bank account, and fucking raped me. I will never be the same, having been so young and so fucking abused FOR NO REASON. Seriously, I was the perfect girlfriend to this piece of shit, and all I received in return was an even lower self-esteem than I already owned. It was fucking horrible.

What I mean to say is that it wasn’t my most recent boyfriend’s fault that our relationship didn’t work; it didn’t work because relationships make me MISERABLE. It is my fault, not his.

Wow, I REALLY didn’t mean to spout off like a fucking loon there. Whoops! On a positive note, I have eaten hardly anything the past three days! Yay!

Next update will include stats, I promise!

Peace and love,

Emily.

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I’m Back! (And More Disgusting Than Ever)

I HAVE MISSED THIS BLOG SO FUCKING MUCH. It breaks my heart a little to see all the comments and new followers I have effectively ignored by not checking this site in recent months… I am horrible for doing so, and I apologize.

But I am fucking BACK. I am taking my life BACK. I am taking my bones BACK because I cannot live this life of a self-repulsed fat girl. Now, let me be clear: ‘Fat’ in and of itself is just an adjective, a description, and not inherently bad. I am not trying to say I hate other people for carrying more weight than I want to see on myself, and I am not calling such people disgusting.

I am only saying that I am disgusting; that this weight I want to get rid of makes me feel like a failure and a weak-willed little shit.

I know that starving myself, or throwing food back up when I fail at the former, is unhealthy as fuck. I know that the fat I carry with me now helps my body run smoother and stronger than it will when I finally get to my goal of bone-thin underweight. I know, but I don’t fucking care.

Fat is not inherently bad, as I said. If you love and embrace fat, on yourself or others, good for you. I do not think any less of you; I do not think you need to change. All I know is that I want mine gone. I want to be different and better and fucking thin.

It is what I want for myself, and that is all. Me thinking that I am fat has nothing to do with my perceptions of other people, or my perception of fat in general. I just. Do not. Want it. On me. Anymore.

That turned into a bit of a rant, didn’t it? I will write up a new blog post soon, updating any readers with new weight goals, what has been going on in my life, and plans for the future.

Love,

Emily.

22 June 2014 — Call Out, Vacation Departure, Trip Meal Plan?

Happy late morning, lovelies!

As a quick note, yesterday I discovered my Breaking the Binge blog was so good that some sad little twat plagiarized it by posting it on her blog as her own. The bitch barely made the effort the change the beginning and the end, leaving the ENTIRE body content unchanged. I shouldn’t call names because it really doesn’t help anything, but as a writer this hits me so fucking hard. You can’t just STEAL somebody’s WORDS; to a writer that is like stealing parts of their soul they have wrenched out and polished up to be seen by others… only to have it snatched up by some hack trying to take credit for their own work. If you were a writer and not a thief, you might understand. As it is, everything I know of you leads me to the conclusion that you are a piece of shit. 🙂

Okay, maybe that wasn’t the quickest note, but damn that gets me heated. ANYWAY. My apologies.

I AM ON THE ROAD AND IT IS OFFICIALLY VACATION. We are racing north as quickly as we can, trying to make an appointment to get pictures taken. Every few years all nine of my mother’s children get a professional photo set of us to give to our parents as gifts, and the time is ripe to add another snapshot to the collection. It really is cool seeing how we all change over the years, but I am anxious as fuck over the actual taking of the pictures happening today… I just haven’t lost enough weight yet, you know? I’m going to look fat and bloated in my outfit, and it just makes it really hard to be cheerful as the hour gets closer and closer. What if I’m heavier than I was a couple years ago when the last picture was taken? That would be the absolute fucking low. The thought it making my face scrunched and ugly. Maybe I can hide in the back, but even as I typed that I knew it was a stupid thought.

The only other thing about this trip I am nervous about is, not surprisingly, how I am going to get away with not eating? It can go either way on family vacations–either I get lucky and everyone else is too busy to notice whether or not I am eating, or I get unlucky and stand out like a sore thumb with an empty plate. Really not looking forward to it being the latter type of trip, but we will see how well I do! I have confidence, and that is the first step. I am going to eat as little as possible, mostly liquids. I got this. I just have to last until festival festivities begin on Thursday, as most of us will be so high that not eating food isn’t going to make anyone suspicious.

I wish you all the best! Much love!

21 June 2014–Life Update and a Binge

Hello, wonderful people. I hope you are all having a great day, and your weight-loss is on track!

CW: 127 lbs

CGW: 119 lbs

 

I am SO ASHAMED to say I binged last night. I don’t even want to talk about it, but I owe it to all of you to be honest and strong about THE WHOLE journey, and not just the good parts. It was so stupid how it happened; my boyfriend offered me some cookie dough and I fought and fought and fought with myself to say no, which I did at first… but then I let my cravings get the best of me and damn near tore the fucking container out of his hands to get at it. I felt horrible and disgusting for having eaten something SO BAD when I was SO CLOSE to turning it down, so I immediately started planning a purge. But I didn’t go through with it. I just wanted to eat MORE. I made a small plate of nachos AND went to the store for ice-cream. I completely imploded, completely fucked up, and I AM SO SORRY. I am sorry, Ana… sorry, readers… and so so so sorry, my body. I slipped up and am further from my goal than I would have been had I stayed strong and stayed empty.

I am taking this as another of the many lessons that Ana has yet to teach me. Binges, for me, are what happen when I let my guard down, hope for the best, and convince myself that it won’t hurt if I eat this little something as a treat, just a smidge. Some people have no issues with taking one bite of something and putting the rest away, and while I am getting better at it, my tendency is to eat a lot if I even eat a little so it is always best to just steer clear from unhealthy foods all together. It is never “just a bite!” with me; it is all the bites. This binge was a necessary reminder that the body I wake up with tomorrow is MORE IMPORTANT than the treats I can eat today. If I continue saying no, continue to deny myself junk food, the scale will show its approval. I was lucky today and my weight did not balloon as much I feared it would, only a pound or two, so sometimes it is true when they say that eating crappy food for one day will not make you fat. It is those second, third, and fourth days of overeating that really pack on the fat. I have been restricting very well this week, and I think that it was really saved me from gaining after my binge. I messed up big-time but Ana has been watching my hard work and took pity on my poor fat ass… as long as I do not repeat this mistake any time soon, my weight will continue to plummet and everything will be on track in no time!

On a kind of random note: I have been trying to drink more water throughout the day, as I have really been slacking on my hydration. It is super fucking important for EVERYbody, no matter how healthy or unhealthy one may be living; DRINK YO WATER! So far today I’ve just had water, a green apple, five red grapes, and a small handful of raw almonds. I will not eat anything else solid tonight, and being almost 7pm already means it is looking good! I did a bit of work for my mother this afternoon, so when I get home I will be able to tell my boyfriend I ate already. Double score.

 

Now for a bit of a personal life update, because I am feeling a little more comfortable posting this type of stuff right now: I am leaving for vacation tomorrow! Sososo happy! Three days with my family at a cabin just north of Seattle, then a club night in the city, THEN THURSDAY WE SET UP CAMP FOR PARADISO! Aaaahhhhhhh, you lovelies have NO IDEA how excited I am for this amazing fucking festival. Paradiso changed my life last year, and is going to be ten times more amazing this time around because our little group of friends and family attending is HUGE. Have any of you beautiful people been to any music festivals? Maybe I will write some more about it in a different post if you are interested.

18 June 2014 — SOME GOOD NEWS! + Stats

Hello, lovelies! Today was absolutely amazing because I HIT MY FIRST GOAL WEIGHT! Holy wow. After weeks of teeny bit down, couple pounds up, then to FINALLY see results that actually fucking matter… this feels seriously good. I’m not even doing my elation justice right now. Thanks to you fantastic people I have my motivation back! We got this and then some!

Today I ate earlier than I would have wanted but my boyfriend made a comment about me not having eaten yet. Things have been going well in that department so I ate and didn’t fuss. I’m counting that as my only food today, I can live with that, and my challenge will be to make it on no-cal liquids for the next four hours until bed. Wish me strength!

Aaaaaaand in honor of my first milestone, I’m going to post my stats! If you readers don’t want to see these numbers for any reason please let me know!

–E’s Stats–
•AGE: 22yrs 9mo
•HEIGHT: 5ft 5.5in
•HW: 150lbs
•LW: 113lbs
•CW: 128lbs

•1st GW: 129lbs
•2nd GW: 119lbs
•3rd GW: 110lbs
•UGW(?): 105lbs

Love, always.

Breaking the Binge: A Journey of Self-Discovery

I would like to thank the lovely Gabrielle for seeking out advice regarding binges and how to stop them. This is going to be my first real Pro-Ana Topic Post (oooh, ahhhh), and I hope it is informative and helpful to you all! Keep in mind that my understanding of this subject and how to beat it is based solely on my own experiences and opinions, and is always a work-in-progress.

Binges are hands-down the number one issue I wrestle with when it comes to losing weight, and I know it is a similar struggle that many of you face. I want this post to act as a resource for all of my wonderful readers to STOP BINGING and START LOSING the rest of that weight! Let’s do this; we can all reach our dream goals, TOGETHER.

The first advice I have to offer can seem discouraging at first, because it isn’t some magical cure-all, but don’t let it be! Remember that you are strong as fuck and you have a beautiful set of bones just aching to breathe! The thing to know about binging, as far as getting IN the habit just as with getting OUT goes, is (and I know you’ve probably heard this before) all of our bodies and our minds think and act differently. This means we have to pay attention to our OWN physical and mental tendencies in order to effectively make changes for the better.

You may already have a pretty good idea of your binging habits; if you don’t you should start taking notice right away! Watch yourself: how you usually eat, what triggers a binge, what times of the day it happens most often, what types of foods you binge on, how much, how you feel before, after, during… and ANYTHING else related even slightly to your binging–no detail is too small or too silly if it can end up helping you!
Pro-tip: Make note of the times you DON’T binge, as well! Remembering the times you SUCCESSFULLY shunned a craving, any craving, can work wonders in keeping us strong enough to fight the next binge that threatens our mission.

Once you have a better idea of your personal binging challenges, you can take the next step toward actually solving the problem. I’m going spend the rest of this post talking about what specifically helped me to break my binge cycle and and get to my lowest adult weight ever last year! I am using these techniques to reclaim that beautifully low number I so desperately desire, and if you cater these tips to your own ana style I know they can help you, too!

I have to REALLY be in a dedicated mindset, otherwise I binge left and right without losing any real weight. I tell myself I want to be skinny then turn around and stuff my face. The only thing that works for me is finally getting to the point of FED THE FUCK UP. If my heart’s not there my bones won’t be either, and it isn’t until I stop making excuses that the numbers start moving. I have to really, really decide if I want to be satisfied for a moment during a binge, or gain something a hell of a lot more lasting: confidence, beauty, and control.
It can be so fucking frustrating but you have to FORCE yourself to legitimately NOT WANT food. It’s an obvious statement but it’s the only thing that has ever worked for me. I have now hit that point again and results are within reach!

How to achieve this shift in thought is unique to each person. I remind myself every chance I remember that I am too fat right now, and how disgusting my body looks. I lift up my shirt in the bathroom mirror, a body check every morning. I look at my lack of thigh gap, the creases in my stomach fat, how disproportionate my small boobs look on my weighted body. I let the last number reported by the scale flash continually in the back of my mind, reminding myself always that I can do SO MUCH BETTER.

I have a a secret thinspo board on Pinterest [let me know if you are interested and I will add you as a viewer!], and I try to scroll through it as often as I can (once or twice daily is my preference, but however often you need), BEFORE the cravings ever kick in. That’s the key, I believe. If you think pro-ana first and always, eventually it will become almost effortless and binging will not be NEARLY as much of a roadblock (more like a passing speed-bump, teehee).

Plan your eating (because we really should eat SOMETHING most days if we want to stay alive and actually enjoy our new bodies) around your usual binges so you are less likely to binge out of deprivation until your hunger tolerance increases. Personally, I wait to eat my (usually) only meal of the day until later in the evening because I am the type of person who is more likely to overeat than under-eat, and if I give myself less meals, and thus less chances to overeat, I increase my weight-loss success by a TON. And this is really where you need to look at YOU and do what is smartest for your body and your mind. My eating habits won’t work for every pro ana out there: for instance, I used to be the person who had to eat a couple small meals before evening hit because otherwise I would get SO HUNGRY and almost surely binge. Like I always say, find out what works best for you!

Distracting myself in the moment before a binge doesn’t usually work for me, because if I want a binge I usually find a way turn off my logic long enough to regret it later. I have no choice but to twist and manipulate my feelings about food until I really just don’t want to eat anymore; it’s not like I can afford to gain the weight that results from it, you know? I’m sick and fucking tired of being skinny only in my imagination, and I am GOING TO EAT LIKE IT.

WHEW! That feels like a whoooole lotta thought-vomit but I sincerely hope someone finds this helpful. Please don’t hesitate to add your own opinions and experiences in the comments, because this is just me so far! I don’t know much, I just want to share what I can. 🙂

Let’s do this, babes! Observe, contemplate, then take action.
Much love, as always!

PS–
No matter what happens, how often you slip up and binge, I still love and support you ONE HUNDRED FUCKING PERCENT. Messing up does not make you a bad person, it just makes you a person. ❤
Emily

Sacrifices in the Name of Thin <3

So I have done pretty well today keeping my intake down, though had A LOT to drink. Right now I am taking a smoke break from cleaning the FUCK out of my kitchen… Burning extra calories, taking away the option to eat, and leaving my leaving my living space looking as b-e-a-utiful as possible; it all sounds positive to me!

My boyfriend has not pointed out my utterly disordered eating habits since I reclaimed my restrictive mentality… I LOVE it because it means I am free to eat as little as I freaking please without ANY repercussion, but I can’t help but think, Maybe he doesn’t care. I know he does, and it is stupid of me to even think it.

I want to just keep drinking and drinking, but the calories will keep adding up and I can’t have that.

14 June 2014 — Friday the 13th

I did SO. WELL. yesterday! I didn’t eat ANYTHING SOLID until right before bed, and while I did have a mini binge, it was small and I woke up with a nearly-flat tummy for the first time in AGES. I think I am finally on my way to breaking the binge cycle. We can do this my loves! It takes trial and error and a lot of mornings waking up not good enough, but we WILL GET THERE. I believe in us all.

I am going to try for the same thing today. No solids AT ALL if I can handle it, but I have some chili if I need something more than caffeine and alcohol. I am so fucking excited to get my body back. Thank you, Ana, for being so patient with me. I will not let you down. I will not let ANY of you down!

I didn’t get to weigh myself yesterday, though. Couldn’t get the scale at my client’s house like I usually can, so I have no idea what my numbers are. Pleeeeease let me be under 130! I am going to work my ass of, restriction-wise, since I won’t be burning those wonderful calories cleaning houses for the next two days. I really shouldn’t eat anything if I can help it.

12 June 2014

I WILL NOT EAT MORE TODAY.

Making use of this unusual income of energy to tidy up around the apartment–distracting myself from binging and burning some extra calories in the process!

I did not fall below 130 lbs yet, but I am getting there. I forgot how rough it can be settling into a steadily restrictive diet for the longterm… Bumpy at first, as my attitude changes by the friggin’ minute, but I know I can do it. I’ve been on the right track before, and I will find it again.

——-I started this post way earlier in the day, but it is now 2am. I forgot how wonderful and accomplished I feel going to bed hungry. Motivation to do even better tomorrow. I want to post more pictures once I hate my body just a teeeny bit less!

I will have access to a scale for sure tomorrow so we will see how well I really did today. Thank all you beautiful people for your support! We will get to our goals together! Please don ‘t hesitate to contact me for any reason. 🙂

Much love.